Weather Awareness

Thankfully, OK 'naders are polite and yield the right of way to trucks.
Thankfully, OK ‘naders are polite and yield the right of way to trucks.

Ah, Oklahoma in the springtime. Where the state flower is the tornado siren and the state bird is KOTV’s helicopter. In case you live in a bomb shelter and haven’t seen any of the BREAKING WEATHER TEAM COVERAGE from the local media, tomorrow we’re supposed to be at risk for severe weather.

It’s a magical time where the roads are filled with professional and freelance chasers in search of the shot that will get them on the front page of The Weather Channel’s website. Twitter and Facebook are saturated with storm photos, both real and fake. News stations are bombarded with complaints that their coverage is interrupting the latest episode of Chicago Fire (because it’s that very special episode where that one guy puts out a fire and learns a very important lesson about friendship). And where Pa Kent decides to take a tornado to the face because – well I don’t know. Seemed like he could have easily gotten to shelter, especially with Clark’s super powers.

That never made sense to me…

In all seriousness, this storm system that’s coming through is supposed to be quite strong. So don’t be stupid and pay attention.

That said, seriousness has never gotten me anywhere, so here are some tips on how to survive severe weather in Oklahoma.

Get Video

If there is a tornado headed directly towards you, get video. It will be the only way to prove to the insurance company that a tornado destroyed your house and not an out of control house party hosted by Kid & Play. DO NOT listen to that voice in your head that compels you to take shelter. No one has ever gotten 2,000 views on YouTube from a storm shelter.

Make sure you hold your phone vertically. Tornadoes are both tall and petty. Your house is more likely to be targeted if the tornado doesn’t think you’ve gotten all of its majestic glory in frame. If there is baseball sized hail, make sure you walk out into your yard and get a shot of it. Large hail will return to Narnia within a few seconds of hitting the ground. Act while you can.

Road Safety

People have places to go and people to see. Rain is notorious for being rude and will settle on a roadway like a group of Kardashians in front of a mirror. Like with the Kardashians, you sometimes need to simply drive right through it in order to remind it who’s on the top of the food chain. Except for all those people who died, no one has ever died because of a flooded roadway.

If the police have set up a barricade, drive around it because fuck the police, right? If you want to be helpful to others, drive through the barricade to knock the ROAD CLOSED signs out-of-the-way. The next Civic through will be quite appreciative.

Also, if you have a larger vehicle, downed trees and power lines will know better than to attempt to hurt you. You have a $75,000 Dodge Ram. Don’t be a pussy.

Warnings

If the National Weather Service thinks it can tell you what to do, it’s got another thing coming. This is Oklahoma so of course the Federal government is trying to take away our state’s rights and that other jabberwocky. When you hear the tornado sirens, stick it to the man by going on a picnic or burning Obama in effigy.

Besides, a warning is nothing more than a sternly worded suggestion. If the Highway Patrol gives you a warning, you don’t go hide in your basement. Don’t tread on me, big brother.

Tornadoes & Lightning

Tornadoes are little more than windy burglars. They should be treated as such. Oklahoma law allows you to defend your home with deadly force. Utilize your Second Amendment rights and bust a cap in that 200MPH ass. To protect yourself from return fire, I suggest finding the largest tree available to use as cover. If possible, capture the tornado and waterboard it to determine whether or not it was sent by ISIS.

Lightning can be used to stick it to the power company. If you see lightning, climb up to your roof and set up a lightning rod. Run that directly into your fuse box. There are about 5 billion joules of power in a single bolt of lightning. You could power your stockpile of incandescent light bulbs for quite a while with that much energy. If you live in an apartment complex, don’t be greedy. Plug your rod into everyone’s apartments. They’ll appreciate the sentiment.

Remember, this is Oklahoma. Our home. Make the weather your bitch.

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