Lapdogs

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve always found lapdogs (and for the record, I am classifying all ‘small breeds’ as lapdogs, even if they are too hyper to simply sit on your lap) to be cute. My co-worker and friend, Kate Huggins (side note, you should totally read her blog, Fat Ass to Fit Ass – she’s way cooler than I, I’m just fat ass to fatter ass…) has the cutest little… well, I don’t remember what breed it is (I am sure I will be violently reminded) named Molly, whom I just adore.

But I have always been annoyed by how a majority of these damned dogs have some sort of inferiority complex that requires them to bark at six times the level of a large breed dog.

The reason I bring this up is two fold.

There are a few people in my apartment complex that have these small dogs. I approve of this, since a smaller dog is better suited for apartment living than a larger dog is. I see some of these people, usually when I am coming home around 9ish and it never fails. The dog sees me, I go “<supercutseyvoice>Aww hi there!</supercutseyvoice>” and the dog goes:

YAP YAP YAP YAP!

The (usually) lady grins and she and the still yapping dog wander off. I am sure if the dog could speak English, he would be saying “I understand that you are much larger than me, and could kill me by simply breathing on me, but I can still beat you up!” This, despite the fact that the dog could not draw blood from me even if I cut myself before allowing him to bite me.

Why, little dogs, can you not just accept that your place in life is to look cute and be a companion for people who don’t want to deal with the rough and tumble nature of big dogs? Or, who maybe like the rough and tumble nature of big dogs, but don’t have the time to devote to the attention larger dogs need? Or maybe they just don’t like slobber? Regardless, accept your place in the doggie chain of command. You’re not fooling anyone, and you’re simply embarrassing your owners.

And speaking of embarrassing your owners, that brings me to my second point. There is a gentleman here who has a tiny little dog, and for the life of me, I don’t know why.

Like I said, I find the damn things cute, but I would never own one. First off, I prefer cats. Second, if I had a dog, it would be a big dog because, well, I’m a man and I would want a mans dog. If I wanted an animal to pet and snuggle with, I’d get a fucking cat. And if I wanted something to make look pretty and dress up, I’d get a Barbie and a sex change because obviously, I was not a man.

And yes, I am saying it’s okay to like cute things as a man. It’s something entirely different to want to ‘do’ cute things. (No, not that kind of do, get your mind out of the gutter.)

So this guy, who I swear looks like he could have pacified Fallujah on his own, was walking his dog and it sees me and starts yapping. I wave to the dog (as some sort of peace offering, I don’t know) and look to him. He returns my look with one of his own that was a mix between “What the fuck are you looking at?’ and ‘Please, kill me’.

I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that the dog was his wifes and that he was walking it because he wouldn’t get any sex otherwise he was a devoted husband. As that kind of man – a mans man that seriously should have been in both a beer commercial and a recruitment video for the United States Awesome Corps owning a small breed dog really does point towards the end of civilization.

<DennisMiller>Of course that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.</DennisMiller>

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