DIY Royal Wedding

So the wedding of some the offspring of our former colonial rulers was today. Apparently, some people give a shit about this nonsense. This befuddles me seeing as we fought a long and bloody war to rid ourselves of the British Monarchy.

Some people tell me it’s due to the idea that every girl wants to be a princess. There is apparently some confusion in these girls minds that any Jill Sixpack can walk up to the second in line to the English throne and get engaged. Hate to break it to you, but you still have to be a somebody in English society for that to happen. Diana was. Kate was (Kate’s parents are millionaires you know).

Regardless, the point of this post isn’t to quash the pointless dreams of girls around the world to become useless drains on England’s taxpayers.

I have to acknowledge that as far as weddings go, this one was pretty damned spectacular. So I can see why one would want to have a royal wedding! However, we have to face facts. It’s not going to happen for nearly all seven billion of us in the world. That said, I’d like to offer up some tips on how you can have a cheap wedding, but still have a lot of the pomp and circumstance that Kate and William (excuse me, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge) enjoyed today!

  • #1 – Westminster Abby is likely out of the question. However you can always – borrow – space from an unoccupied catholic church. They’re pretty big.
  • #2 – While most foreign leaders will shun your invitations, don’t overlook lonely folks like Kim Jong-ilun and Thein Sein, the leader of Burma!
  • #3 – A papier-mâché crown is just as legally binding as the one the Queen has. Give one to your grandmother!
  • #3a – As well, glued and painted ferrets make great make-shift ‘Royal Guard’ hats.
  • #4 – Rent a 1968 Dodge Charger for your arrival car. Be sure to remove the muffler.
  • #5 – Have the wedding march played on a xylophone built from the bones of executed pagans.
  • #6 – Papier-mâché again comes into play. Make the priest’s hat so tall he can barely stand up. Be sure he signs a waiver first.
  • #7 – The wedding dress is important. Prepare in advance. Watch the paper for engagement notices, then strike. Car jacking may or may not be required.
  • #8 – For the groom, it doesn’t matter. Just add lots of felt, gold trim and bullshit medals to your chest.
  • #9 – After the wedding, the procession. Remember, a Radio Flyer wagon powered by dachshunds is just as good as a horse drawn carriage if you’re truly in love.
  • #10 – To ensure people will be along your route, send a notice in advance that you have discovered Obama’s application to the Muslim Brotherhood.
  • #11 – A public ‘first kiss’ is important. Find a busy intersection and park there. This will ensure maximum exposure.
  • #11a – Consummating your relationship in said intersection will draw more supporters and perhaps even a police escort!
  • #12 – To get a fly over, simply fire surface to air missiles at passing passenger aircraft! The air force should arrive shortly!
  • #12a – Disclaimer: Hitting one of those aircraft will put a hamper on your wedding plans, and likely any plans you have made for the next 872 years. Aim carefully.
  • #13 – Head to your local Cheesecake Factory and stack as many cheesecakes as you can on top of each other. Not a royal cake but goddamned delicious.
  • #14 – Send a bill for everything to your local municipality!

I hope this helps you in your dreams of having the closest thing any of us will ever have to a royal wedding!

edit: Forgot to mention one. #15, from Matt Gallagher: Invade England; wait 1,100 years.

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